November 10, 2008

A New Beginning

One constant in my life has always been church. Being Catholic it doesn’t matter where in the world I am I can always find a church. For the most part mass is ALWAYS the same. When I first moved to Kentucky I had a bit of a culture shock. On those really tough weeks when I felt like such an outsider in this small town I could always go to church. There is a comfort at church.

I am not the perfect Catholic. That is my choice. I don’t attend every Sunday, but we went several times a month and every week during advent and lent. Big Bear had started going with me to church. He enjoys it and has even talked about joining the church. Imagine his difficulty when a little over a year ago I stopped going. I couldn’t, didn’t want to, No Way!

Now this is where I’m going to be honest. I am putting this down because I want to remember this. I need to acknowledge this, deal with it and move on. Please don’t lecture me. I know.

It took me a long time to realize it, but I was angry. I was VERY angry. For so very long we have been trying to have a child. Take the three years of infertility, add it to the three years of adoption waiting and it equals a very long time we’ve spent trying to have a family. In my mind, I guess, someone had to be responsible. We are a happy couple who would be good parents. Why on earth is it so easy for so many to have a baby? Why do we have to struggle EVERY STEP OF THE WAY??

I was angry with God. I feel guilty about this. To be honest I didn’t even realize it until my husband made a comment one day. We were talking about church, not our church, about a church in our community. He made the comment that when I was finished being mad I’d be ready to go back to church. I honestly didn’t realize that I was mad until his comment. I spent several weeks at first trying to deny his comment. How can someone be mad at God? That’s wrong. Then eventually I began to accept, maybe Big Bear was right.

It took me a long time to work through my feelings. On the outside things looked fine with me, most of the time. I went to work, I kept social engagements, I ‘played’ the happy aunt, sister, daughter, friend - but inside I was sad, very sad, and angry. I didn’t decorate our house for any holidays last year. I avoided some family gatherings when possible – especially the kid’s birthday parties. It was a rough year.

I can’t say there was a magic moment when things turned around for me. It has been a long slow process. Things were better when I pulled out the Halloween decorations several weeks ago. I knew that things were much better two weeks ago when Big Bear asked me if I wanted to go to church and I said yes.

At first I was very nervous. By the end of the service I felt much better. This past weekend we went again, and I REALLY enjoyed mass. It was during the homily I realized I was ok. It felt good to be back to me, and yet I know I have also changed. I have become more confident in myself, my faith, our marriage, and our journey to become a family of three.

It has been an experience! One I don’t want to go through again. I have grown stronger, and hopefully this will help me be a better mom some day.


  1. Thanks for sharing that, my bud.

    I have to say I would be doing well to follow in your tracks. At some point, it may come. I admit, for now, I am often still mad albeit for different reasons. It seemed my life went to hell in a hand basket when I went back to the church last time (and you know what I'm talking about with the prior relationship). I haven't gotten over that hump yet. I am sure it is just an association that I am finding coincidental and really don't believe it was causal. Still, the bitter taste is there for now.

    For you, I am happy!

  2. Lecture you? Why on earth? This was a beautiful and honest post. I am glad you've found a new beginning.

  3. I love it when people share the nitty grity honest things! I also don't think there is one of us who doesn't know exactly what you felt! I am still kinda there! haha

    I just read this book I found at costco, "The Shack" Fiction but going places. I couldn't put it down, new persepcive and it helped me take quite a few steps back up.

    Anyway, thank you for sharing that!!

  4. I fully understand where you are coming from....I am also Catholic and left the church for a couple of years...during my battle with Cancer....looking back on it, I know the church is one of the places I should have looked to for support, but I chose to hold "HIM" responsible for the disease. It took me a long time to work through it and I went back because of my husband, then boyfriend. I am nowhere near perfect in my faith, but I do find peace in going to church......I am glad you have found yours!


  5. As someone who is still very angry and nowhere near allowing a space for this, I appreciate your honesty and this post gives me hope that I may somehow come to feel this way too.
    Last year, I prayed that my miscarriage wouldn't ruin my relationship with God. It didn't work. I need the work. I'll keep trying and hope to follow your lead at some point.

  6. That was an amazingly honest post. No lectures from me :o)

    I was also raised in the church and left many years ago. When I went through a divorce I felt like I needed to go back - I'm not sure why other than I felt lost and thought that church would help me find some answers.

    I've been attending a non-demoninational christian church for 8 years now! It was the right thing for me and I applaud you for sharing your feelings with us.

  7. I'm glad you are finding yourself in a happier place as of late. I think we've all stumbled on this journey. It's the getting back up and moving forward that counts. And yes... the hard stuff will make us better moms. I truly believe it.

  8. Just your sheer honesty with yourself makes you a better mom already... but I'm not sure how you can get better when I already think you're an amazing mom, one who's just waiting for her child :) Love you girl...

  9. You're not perfect?!! Are you sure?!!

    Its funny... (not you!) but I've been REALLY mad, for a while now (it peaked last week, into a yelling rampage!!) but I don't get mad at God!!! I kinda figure nothing is His fault?! I don't know why I think that?!!! I just get mad at everyone/thing else!!!!

    My hubs is my "voice of reason" too. Its great to have a partner that is honest enough to tell me the truth.

    Ahhh life... its full of little discoveries?!!

  10. Not being able to have a child is such a heartbreaking journey to have to travel through. Honestly, being slapped with our infertility and the loss of our little embryos caused the deepest crisis of faith we have ever had to weather in our almost two decades of marriage.

    I think a lot of us have been there with you...angry with God even though being angry with Him goes against all we have ever believed.

    It takes a lot of courage to look into your own heart. Healing takes time. Some day, you will have your baby in your arms and the razor edged pain that once filled your heart will soften and fade.

    That wasn't a lecture, was it? I sure hope not.'s just that having been there with my own heart shredded and raw, I want to encourage tell you that it won't always hurt like it does now...

  11. I love this post Stacy, so honest and true. Thank you for sharing.

  12. What a heartfelt and beautiful post. I am Catholic too, and I'll tell you, during all those years of waiting, I got mad at God too. You are not alone.

    You are such an amazingly strong and special person. I am glad you are feeling better.

  13. Hey friend, I totally understand your anger and I believe that God understands too. It's a long, tough road you've been traveling and with the light at the end of the tunnel being dim for so long it makes sense that we want to find 'someone' to blame.

    So glad you're feeling better and starting to go back to church. There are Sunday's when I sometimes have to push myself a little harder to go to church too but minutes into the worship service begins I'm glad I'm there.

    Love you friend!