One constant in my life has always been church. Being Catholic it doesn’t matter where in the world I am I can always find a church. For the most part mass is ALWAYS the same. When I first moved to Kentucky I had a bit of a culture shock. On those really tough weeks when I felt like such an outsider in this small town I could always go to church. There is a comfort at church.
I am not the perfect Catholic. That is my choice. I don’t attend every Sunday, but we went several times a month and every week during advent and lent. Big Bear had started going with me to church. He enjoys it and has even talked about joining the church. Imagine his difficulty when a little over a year ago I stopped going. I couldn’t, didn’t want to, No Way!
Now this is where I’m going to be honest. I am putting this down because I want to remember this. I need to acknowledge this, deal with it and move on. Please don’t lecture me. I know.
It took me a long time to realize it, but I was angry. I was VERY angry. For so very long we have been trying to have a child. Take the three years of infertility, add it to the three years of adoption waiting and it equals a very long time we’ve spent trying to have a family. In my mind, I guess, someone had to be responsible. We are a happy couple who would be good parents. Why on earth is it so easy for so many to have a baby? Why do we have to struggle EVERY STEP OF THE WAY??
I was angry with God. I feel guilty about this. To be honest I didn’t even realize it until my husband made a comment one day. We were talking about church, not our church, about a church in our community. He made the comment that when I was finished being mad I’d be ready to go back to church. I honestly didn’t realize that I was mad until his comment. I spent several weeks at first trying to deny his comment. How can someone be mad at God? That’s wrong. Then eventually I began to accept, maybe Big Bear was right.
It took me a long time to work through my feelings. On the outside things looked fine with me, most of the time. I went to work, I kept social engagements, I ‘played’ the happy aunt, sister, daughter, friend - but inside I was sad, very sad, and angry. I didn’t decorate our house for any holidays last year. I avoided some family gatherings when possible – especially the kid’s birthday parties. It was a rough year.
I can’t say there was a magic moment when things turned around for me. It has been a long slow process. Things were better when I pulled out the Halloween decorations several weeks ago. I knew that things were much better two weeks ago when Big Bear asked me if I wanted to go to church and I said yes.
At first I was very nervous. By the end of the service I felt much better. This past weekend we went again, and I REALLY enjoyed mass. It was during the homily I realized I was ok. It felt good to be back to me, and yet I know I have also changed. I have become more confident in myself, my faith, our marriage, and our journey to become a family of three.
It has been an experience! One I don’t want to go through again. I have grown stronger, and hopefully this will help me be a better mom some day.