March 18, 2010

A Brain Dump

The last few weeks have really been strange. As I mentioned in the last post I thought I would be so excited to be at this moment in our wait. You would think that being next would be the most exciting time of the last four years. I have been excited, don't get me wrong. It's just not been the giddy excitement that I thought it would be. Then my friend OziMum hit the nail on the head when she commented on the last post and said, "...I was more numb than excited..."

That is exactly the feeling! Numb. Thank you OziMum! I'm glad I'm not crazy!!!

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Over the years many have talked about the love they have for their baby in China. I just figured I was cold-hearted or maybe guarded, because I never felt a connection or a love. I knew that the love would grow in time, but I could never say that I loved an unknown child. I've loved the idea of the child. I've loved the idea of being a mom, but I can't say that I've felt a connection of any kind.

Until this week. This week I have found myself daydreaming of a baby in sleepers. I have thought of snuggling with our baby after a bath in her big warm blanket. I have caught myself drifting to a world of baby giggles. I am excited about zoo trips and Christmases, but what I am looking forward to even more are the snuggles and giggles of every day, wiping away tears while holding her close, and earning her trust and hopefully, eventually her love. Those are the things I daydream of most often.

I think I'm falling...

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There was one last big purchase that I wanted to make before our referral. Most everything else is age or gender specific so I really need to hold off. I wanted to get an Ergo baby carrier. I have been holding off buying this. It was going to be our referral gift to me, but I hadn't been feeling well this week, and I just decided it was time. I'm excited and I can't wait for it to arrive. This is the one I bought.

I posted to Facebook that I ordered the Ergo. The next day I had an unexpected visit from a friend. She is upset that I keep buying things. Her exact words were, "Do you not believe in baby showers?"

Well, honestly I am not a fan of baby showers. I am not a big fan of sitting in a chair while people look at me as I open gifts. I am not a fan of smelling diapers filled with assorted mush. I was honest and I told C how I felt. That was when I found out that she was planning on getting us the Ergo. I have been given the Cease and Desist order to stop buying any baby related items. As I told her, that will make Big Bear very happy!

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I have been very lucky to have such good friends. Another friend sent me an email this week and attached this YouTube Clip. It made me cry. It is PERFECT! I am so fortunate to have so many who understand this crazy place we are in right now.

Mom~ Grab a tissue before you hit play! I'm just warning you. :o)

Thank you P.M. I Small Heart You

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I told you this was going to be a brain dump. I still have more to write, but I think this is enough for one catch up.

I will be back soon with a "Matching" post. I have been waiting three years to write this post. Last night a rumor started floating around that CC@@ is preparing to match. {SHIVERS} I'll keep you posted if I find out that matching has begun.


  1. WoooHoooo..I am so excited for you:)
    Love the video!!!
    I am with you on shower games but just think of how many you have sat is now your turn mama!!

  2. Ohhhhhhhhhh shucks......PM loves you too!!! And I listened to the song AGAIN because it is so perfect. Glad you loved it.
    I too am NOT a fan of the baby shower thing - and why I made sure I didn't have one.
    You will never regret the Erg0. Low hated it, but I didn't give in - used it ALL THROUGH China.
    You are going to go through every emotion imaginable. Believe me. One day one emotion, the next day a different one. I promise you - you will begin to think you are going crazy.

  3. LOVE IT..
    Great song.. made me cry...
    I sooo cannot wait to see Polar cub..
    Bring on the babies..

  4. You will love your Ergo! LOVE!
    I am so excited to see your cub!!!

  5. Matching, what a wonderful word... referral will be even better!

  6. Yay for matching!!! You're oh so close now.

    Isn't it amazing how many emotions we can go through within seconds? You've waited so long and soon your wait will come to an end. Suddenly, in the blink of an eye Polar Cub will have a Date of Birth, Province, City and....FACE! Soon you will be gazing into the eyes of your baby...YOUR BABY!!! Wheeee!!!

    I remember going grocery shopping and checking the expiry date on the milk and realizing by the time it expired I'd be a mom! Go out and grab yourself some milk friend and you just may find yourself giggling like a school girl while in the dairy isle of your local grocery store.

    Cannot wait to meet your Polar Cub!

  7. I CAN"T WAIT! Hang in there SHE is coming :) So excited for you!!!