I swear I am going to stitch the phrase Maybe Next Month on a pillow and then burn the freakin’ thing! I have heard those three words way too many times.
I would be lying if I didn’t say I’m not disappointed that we didn’t make the cut off. Unfortunately, I fell for the rumor that we may be in this batch. I tried hard not to, but it was so hard.
Sadly this has brought up the same feelings and emotions that I had during all the months when we were trying to conceive ~ the feelings of hope and excitement, the planning and dreaming as we waited to see if this was our ‘month’. Then, just as when we would have another negative test, the word came that referrals are up through the 11th my heart sank. I honestly never thought I would feel this way again, I HATE – HATE – HATE this feeling.
I do know in my head that this time it is different. This time I am 98% sure that next month we will have a positive outcome. I’m still going to worry a tad about lost dossiers or shut downs. I can’t help it ~ we’ve been on this ride for 7 ½ years. It’s hard to believe there won’t be another bump in the road to say, “Nope, you’re still not going to be a mom”. If I am completely honest, I won’t believe any of it is really true until Polar Cub is in our arms.
This is just a momentary pity party for one. I know that tomorrow, or maybe the next day, I will be back at it. I’ll be planning and dreaming all over again. I will be celebrating all of the new families from the Flying Tigers April Group. I will be picking out flooring for our bathroom and doing the finishing touches on Polar Cub’s room. I will be swimming and working to get healthier. I will be ready to tackle the next batch of hurdles.
Congratulations to all of you who are seeing your new babies this week!! I am truly excited for all of you!!