March 1, 2010

Maybe Next Month

I swear I am going to stitch the phrase Maybe Next Month on a pillow and then burn the freakin’ thing! I have heard those three words way too many times.



I would be lying if I didn’t say I’m not disappointed that we didn’t make the cut off. Unfortunately, I fell for the rumor that we may be in this batch. I tried hard not to, but it was so hard.



Sadly this has brought up the same feelings and emotions that I had during all the months when we were trying to conceive ~ the feelings of hope and excitement, the planning and dreaming as we waited to see if this was our ‘month’. Then, just as when we would have another negative test, the word came that referrals are up through the 11th my heart sank. I honestly never thought I would feel this way again, I HATE – HATE – HATE this feeling.



I do know in my head that this time it is different. This time I am 98% sure that next month we will have a positive outcome. I’m still going to worry a tad about lost dossiers or shut downs. I can’t help it ~ we’ve been on this ride for 7 ½ years. It’s hard to believe there won’t be another bump in the road to say, “Nope, you’re still not going to be a mom”. If I am completely honest, I won’t believe any of it is really true until Polar Cub is in our arms.



This is just a momentary pity party for one. I know that tomorrow, or maybe the next day, I will be back at it. I’ll be planning and dreaming all over again. I will be celebrating all of the new families from the Flying Tigers April Group. I will be picking out flooring for our bathroom and doing the finishing touches on Polar Cub’s room. I will be swimming and working to get healthier. I will be ready to tackle the next batch of hurdles.



Congratulations to all of you who are seeing your new babies this week!! I am truly excited for all of you!!



24 comments:

  1. Enjoy your pity party. We have all been there and we DO understand and you are SOOOOOOO entitled to it. Just remember we are all here ready to cheer and scream and yell when the time is right.
    hugs to you my friend.

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  2. Words will not make you feel better.. you will worry till the day she is placed in your arms..
    but you are next.. and in the next month you will have everything ready.. BIG HUGS..
    Can't wait to see Polar cub in your arms..
    hugs..

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  3. Do what you need to. It is crap and you are allowed to feel what you feel.

    Like you said, focus on the positive and know that you are next!

    I too felt that 98% the whole time and up until we were leaving China and I turned to Dan and said "They are letting us leave! We get to take her home!"

    Keep smilin!

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  4. The last month before my referral I was a complete mess. And I knew I was next because the cut off was just two days before my LID. The closer you are, the harder it is.

    But you know you are next now! I worried about lost paperwork and all that stuff too, but I'm sure you are fine! Only a few more weeks and you will see polar cub's pictures!

    Hold on tight!

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  5. I've been thinking of you all day. I'm so sorry they didn't get all the way to the 12th. :(

    Feel all the negative emotions without apology. You're entitled. Because you're right... you'll pick yourself up in a day or two and keep pressing on. That's just who you are. Hang in...

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  6. Just got out of an all day meeting and wanted to let you know that I'm sorry this wasn't your month. BUT, next month is all for YOU!!!
    I know it must suck right now but hang in there because in a few weeks your world be forever changed!

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  7. Hang in there for next month. The feeling of peace you will have when you see that sweet little face, will all be worth it!

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  8. Oh man! I know just how you feel and while it doesn't make you feel any better, know you are in my thoughts You are NEXT! Hold tight to that thought and go rip, cut, smash or scream at what ever you want. LOTS and LOTS of hugs!

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  9. Next month is polar cub month!

    Stomp your feet and shake your fist...you've earned it!!

    Next month you will be clutching a pic of your beautiful polar cub:)

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  10. Never apologize... it downright sucks!

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  11. Take the MAYBE out of "Maybe next month". It's yours!
    If I was closer I would be at your pitty part too.

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  12. I'm so sorry but at the same time so excited that you will be in for sure next month and what a month it will be for the newest polar bear cub.

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    LOVE YOU SISTA FRIEND!!!!!!
    xoxoxoxoxo

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  14. I am so sorry..I was PRAYING you would be in this month..You have been through enough and you deserve to me sad..I am praying for March to fly by for you..I can not wait to see your daughter or son!! You will be a great mama!!

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  15. I remember last May when referrals came out - the cut off date was March 6, 2006.
    I was March 8th. I called up Tracy to congratulate her, because she was March 7th - therefor she KNEW she was going to receive her referral the next month. I ended up bawling on the phone to her, instead of congratulating her. Because, you see, while she knew for sure that she was next, I couldn't say the same. After waiting over 3 years, I still had no idea what the next referral batch would be - it could have very well been a one day batch.
    This process makes you CRAZY. It is the UNKNOWN that makes you crazy. It strips you to the bare bones of your emotions and it is BRUTAL.
    For once - YOU KNOW.
    You are NEXT, S.
    YOU ARE NEXT. Take that knowledge and embrace it, and know that sometime within the next month (or month in a half) you will look into the eyes of your child.
    The next stack of files to be matched with beautiful children contains YOUR file!!!!!!! Your file is sitting in that pile!!!!!
    YIPPEEEEEEEEE - you are officially OFF the shelf and on someone's desk!!!!!!!!
    (And ------ you are going to receive your referral in APRIL - the same month I received mine)

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  16. I feel your pain as we missed the cut-off by one day and friends I had planned on traveling to China with all got their referrals and we were still waiting yet another month. The only good thing about missing it by one stinking, lousy day is that you ARE next!!! After I got over my pity party I actually found that final month of waiting the easiest because it WAS going to happen and we WERE going to get our referral...sort of like a scheduled c-section, a done deal. Hang tight and enjoy knowing that YOU ARE NEXT!!!

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  17. I didn't dare write this earlier but now I feel it is OK.
    YOU ARE NEXT! WOOHOO.
    That must feel so good.

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  18. I'm with Mel - you are next!!!! I have no words but I am here waiting to cheer you on the next leg of your journey to Polar Cub - I remember finding your blog - it was one of the firsts.... and here you are finally next!!!!

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  19. Ditto mel.

    I did give myself a 2.5 second pity party because damn it, I wanted one. I was sick to death of the roller coaster ride, by golly jeepers, there was nothing more exciting and overwhelming with knowing that we were next! I was sad because it was another 30 days I had to wait to see her face, to hold her & whisper sweet nothings, but I was giddy over knowing my time of waiting would soon be over. Enjoy the next month, because it will fly by and you will be staring at the face of your beautiful child with profound confidence that your time waited was well worth it.

    & just so you feel better, I never felt safe until we landed in SWFL with our girl. Every step along the way I guessed that was the point of which it would all come crashing down....guess what? It didn't. I live with the most beautiful child ever and couldn't be more proud=0) Hang tight for your wild ride!

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  20. Oh man, I thought this was the month! There is something good when you know you are next! It happened to me and my month wait was calmer than in the past.

    Enjoy the party and get prepared cause YOU ARE NEXT!

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  21. I get it. I really do.

    Hang on you are drawing into the station you will be exiting the roller coaster very very soon.

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  22. I think it won't be long til' the Spring is back in your step b/c, Polar Momma, you are NEXT! Now, suit up and get in the pool - that'll make you feel better.

    xoxoxo

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  23. i wish i had your number. i started crying reading this post Stacy. because i know the pain, and i KNOW what lies at the end of your pain, and that it will come.... she will come.

    lean on everyone else's faith when you lose yours. we can shoulder this with you.

    here's to a beautiful April.

    what a great month for the referral of Polar Cub :O)

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  24. That stinks. Have your pity party because it's heartbreaking to know you weren't in this batch. But you definitely are next!

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