March 10, 2010

Denial or Protection???

Nothing ever happens the way you think it will - is such a true statement. For YEARS I have thought about what it will be like once we know that we are next in line in China. Hours have been spent daydreaming about what things I would accomplish during the last month before referral. There were many ‘To Do’s’ on my list.

Well, here we are NEXT. What have I done? Nothing. I haven’t set foot in the nursery, much less worked on it in the last couple of weeks. I have not made a packing list, or even looked at the many lists I have accumulated over the years. I can’t decide if this is because I am in denial that we are actually next, or is it because -after all this time- I am still protecting my heart from the disappointment that still looms?

Don’t get me wrong, I have thought about ‘Next’ a lot. Big Bear and I were at the grocery store the other day and he picked up a carton of milk. He said, “Before this expires we will have our referral.” Love him.

We have been doing a lot of planning for the bathroom remodel. We have all the fixtures purchased, paint color chosen, and the floor picked out. Now we are waiting for a free weekend to tackle the project.

Whether I am in denial or protecting my heart a little longer ~ maybe a little of both ~ I know that all of our little chores will be accomplished. This is a WILD place to be. I can’t quite explain it. It is sort of like when I was growing up and during the summer my family would go on vacation with my grandparents, aunt and uncle. That last hour in the car before we reached Cedarwood Resort was the longest hour of the trip. The excitement grew with each mile marker.
Now, as each day passes the excitement grows a little more.

There are 22 Days until April 1st.
Not that I'm counting!


  1. Keep your chin up girly.. you are NEXT....
    I am sooo excited for you ..
    Have a great evening..
    Can't wait to see the new bathroom remodel....

  2. I can see how you might be protecting your heart a little still. You've gone through a LOT to get to this point. Next, next, next... That's you!

  3. it is because you have waited SO LONG and that is the mode you have been in the whole time - just numb. The wait makes you numb.
    It will not truly hit you until you are holding her/his pic. Then you will be RUSHING through everything. least that is how it was for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. The long wait, the ups and downs all make you cautious but girl, YOU ARE NEXT!!!! Everything will get done and even if it doesn't, who cares. You are about to be a Mama!!! I'm counting down the days right along with you :o)

  5. I SO hear you! I was the same. Hard to let your heart open up. It will come. In the mean time, I can send you my mondo crazy packing list! It helped me alot!

    Keep smilin!

  6. I know EXACTLY how you feel! It is hard to let go of the "what ifs" in your head. But it will happen - and soon!!!!

  7. Soon - soon - soon for you!
    You are next! No more maybe's for the Polar Bear family. Bring on the blue X's.

  8. No worries... I did not really pack until the night before. When you gaze into the face of your sweet baby, youy will be so motived to get that nursery DONE! So anxious for the next referrals.

  9. Cannot express how excited I am for you!! I completely get the 'can't believe we're next' feeling and then I had moments of giddiness that I couldn't control thinking I'M NEXT!!! Hope you're able to savour some of those too.

    Enjoy your remodel. What fun it will be to see the finished product! Polar cub will bathe in that tub and wash her little hands in your new sink! Wheeee!!!

  10. It is so much more fun to count down isn't it?

  11. She is coming :) There is no stopping her :):)

  12. having never been "next" i cannot imagine that place, but it sounds almost dreamlike. embrace this time- it is precious too! are we at 16 days today and counting?

    this whole year seems to be speeding by...

  13. Dwight Yoakum said it best....
    "Hey babe you ready for that wild ride?"

    Next! I remember that feeling. It's the calm before the rest of your life. It's the last bit of dreaming the dream baby. Enjoy it. It's so exciting.
    It's like clanking up that big first hill on a roller coaster......

  14. Canya stand it?! Thinking of you! =)

  15. Its bizaare, isn't it?!!!! And not the least bit like you imagine?!!!! I felt, I should've been much more excited... but I was more numb than excited?!!! Weird... but thats me?!!!

    I'm just sitting here with the biggest grin on my face... thinking of you. You are FINALLY gonna be a Momma & Daddy. Life will never be the same again, and you'll never want it to be the same!

    Thinking of you - watching you!!!