It is quite obvious why wait is a trouble word, being that we have been waiting for China to call for nearly four years. Secondly, if you know me or read my old blog then you know that the second weight is also a bone of contention for me. It is a battle that I have been waging ALL of my life, and one that I am sure will continue for the rest of my days.
It is said that there are underlying issue when a person battles with weight. Sure, I guess I could blame stress at work, stress of the adoption, family and friends, or even food manufacturers, but come on ~ REALLY!?! I’m a big girl. I don’t feel the need to blame anyone but myself.
Calories in ~ calories out, I know the formula. It is just a matter of following that formula and sticking to it. There is my problem, STICKING to it! When I am regimented and strict with working out and with my diet I have no problem seeing the pounds fall off. I just can’t seem to find the middle ground. If I’m not working my ass off, I’m not working it at all. I get lazy. I enjoy sleeping past four in the morning. I enjoy eating. I enjoy spending the evening with my husband making dinner and watching a movie or TV.
When I am in the ‘healthy mode’ something happens, I can’t explain it, but it is as if a switch is turned on and I’m ready to ‘get healthy’ again. I start working out and eating better. Everything seems to click. Then I will stumble and the switch is turned off. Before I know it, the pounds are creeping back. I am stuck in this sad, never ending cycle.
The switch has been off for a while, and I am waiting for it to click back on. I have the most important reason in the world to want/need to get healthy but I just can’t get into it this time ~ no matter how hard I try.
I have absolutely NO desire to be a fat mom. I am already going to be a ‘mature’ mom. I want to be a healthy mom who can and will do anything with my girl. I want to be around for a long, long time. I need to find that damn switch, but it seems so far out of reach.
Last week a coworker forwarded an email that she received from the YMCA. The Y is going to have a ‘Winter Meltdown’. It sounds like it is going to be a version of The Biggest Loser. It is open to people who would like to lose 20 or more pounds. There will be special cardio and toning classes, private weigh-ins, and incentives given for highest percentage of weight lost.
At first I was so excited. This sounded like it was EXACTLY what I needed to do to flip on my switch again. I tend to be a little competitive (cough, cough), and not doing something to the best of my ability is not my nature. I was excited when I first read the email. I made myself seriously think about it for 24 hours before rushing over to sign-up.
The next day I did stop into the Y afterschool to sign up. As I was walking back to my car I thought, “What the Hell did you just do?” I began to think, ‘what if I am the only person who has more than 21 pounds to lose?’ and ‘This time of year?’ Are you crazy? We are weeks away from pumpkin pie, holiday parties, and Christmas treats. HELLO!?!?! I figured I had a week to let the dust settle and wrap my brain around all of this.
Wednesday night I received a phone call from the Y. They wanted to set up a time for a fitness test. Fitness Test????? No one said anything about a fitness test? Good Golly? Stress level rose a little higher…
To get me through this I think about the fact that hopefully not too long after the holidays are over we will be receiving our referral. I seriously do not want to be miserable traveling to China, all the while wishing I would have, should have, could have done something about my weight. I know I won’t be where I want to be before we travel, but I will have a head start.
This program will be a good thing, as long as I am not the ONLY one with more than 20pounds to lose. It will keep me motivated even when I really want that piece of pecan pie. I’ll share a piece of pie with Polar Cub next Thanksgiving.
Monday is the first meeting and my fitness test (Oy!). Hopefully this will be what finally helps me flip that bloomin’ switch. Will I bore you all if I post about it here? Part of me wants to post, but this is one of those topics I am never sure if it’s too much information. What do you think?